Dating

Meeting with romantic prospects.

No Quick NLP Seduction Techniques Here!

Sorry, dear reader... to save us both time, guys looking for NLP tricks to rapidly and covertly seduce their dating partners can move on to other more specialized sites. Respectfully, you won't find that information here... because we believe those techniques generally don’t work on the other person as much as they fool you into being more confident than you might otherwise be. But if you're interested the long view, you might find something useful here.

Neurolinguistic Programming Models Success

Remember that the heart of NLP is the modeling successful strategies of others in ourselves, to make great strategies our own. When dating for the long run, think of other couples that have stood the test of time and got happier the longer they were together, and ask them how they did it. You may get some other strategies, but I'll share a couple here.

Dating Strategy No. 1: Know Thyself

Most disasterous relationships begin with not knowing who you are, or what you want from life, much less in a partner. We marry who we date, so when dating seriously, it saves everyone a ton of time and trouble to know where one is going first. Then if you invest time dating people with similar goals and outcomes, the chances are infinitely better that when one proposes, and the other says I do, that the couple will get further faster together.

Whether casting a wide net or narrowing the field, we tend to date partners that are a reflection of who we think we are or imagine that we want to be. More than anything else, we humans need an identity in the world, and we will fight and die to preserve it. Virginia Satir pointed out that this urge is stronger than the urge to live.

After selecting a partner, we tend to continue together when who we think we are is directly or indirectly reinforced by the other person. Otherwise, we tend to split or continue suffering together when we learn that the other will never conform to our self-constructed identity. To continue in relationship with such a person is the very definition of hell (or at least one definition).

So why would anyone want go as far as marriage without ever probing"who am I, and what do I want?", and "who are you, and what do you want?", and finally "how can we help each other get what we want most?"

The reasons for rushing past the important questions are as nutty as they come. Here are a few superficial reasons I’ve heard:

  • He/she was rich (or at least I thought so)...
  • I thought I could change him/her...
  • My parents though he/she was wonderful...
  • He/she turned me on...
  • We went to the same church...
  • It was foreordained...
  • I was drunk...
  • I never dated anyone else...
  • We both liked dogs...
  • We were great in bed...
  • It was time...
  • I couldn't stand to be alone...
  • He/she reminded me of someone else...
  • I couldn't say no...

... and I'm sure you have some zingers of your own. This stuff is the fodder of both stand-up and sit-down comedy, and we laugh because we are all guilty of rushing in to some degree. That's why the jokes are so damned funny, and we all know that laughter is better than crying.

Dating Strategy No. 2: My Story is Dating Your Story

People don’t date each other—egos date each other. Know your story, and tell it well, but remember it's your story. Then remember that your date has their own story. As you're getting to know your date better, the strategy is to try thinking about it that way. What is the plot? What is the theme? Who are the actors? Who gets it in the end? Taking a step back and evaluating your date in terms of their story is both entertaining and insightful.

Anyone can sit through a bad for a couple of hours, and then you're only out a few bucks. If your date's story is really good, and matches your own in important ways, you and your date know there is going to be a sequel.

Dating Strategy No. 3: Take it Slow, and Think with Both Brains

Why would we put more effort into picking a car, or a horse, or a stock than a partner? Figuratively speaking, every dater has two brains, but not enough blood to work them both at the same time. Now, eventually the blood does find its way to the other brain, but we require a few alternating cycles to come to a fuller understanding between them both. Attraction waxes and wanes, and when it wanes, support for the whole person must be there too.

Dating Strategy No. 4: Find a New Meaning for "No"

So here is some advice you won't get anywhere else... To get a full yes, you need to go through a lot of no's. Go the “no”! The problem with this advice is that most daters associate fear, regret, embarrassment or shame with a no, so they'll do anything to avoid it. Daters: you're afraid of the wrong thing. A “no” can sting, but a superficial “yes” can kill you.

The best think NLP can do for a dater is to associate better meaning and feelings with a no, so that the dater can be honest, expressive about what they want, and through the dating process eventually arrive at a full yes.